Some days I find myself sitting by myself and my mind keeps replaying the rape . I wish my mind was an 8 track and there was no option to rewind. When I find myself stuck inside my own head, images of the whole entire rape continue to resurface. It's like I am stuck in a moment of shock. How can a person be so malicious to another human being? Rape is a violent act.
When I was raped, I felt like I was being murdered. I could see my life flashing before my eyes, images of my two boys and happy moments I have enjoyed in my life. It was the scariest feeling I have ever had. The trauma was so penetrating. I had always heard of women being raped but I never thought it could happen to me.
During the times when I am stuck in my head and reliving all of the vile acts that flash through my mind, I find that a piece of my spirit was stolen and that hidden part may never be the same. There is a kind of sadness that shades a portion of my heart. I find myself in awe of others who can enjoy a wholesome laugh. There have been times when I laugh and in an instant, I feel my heart ache deep inside. The rape changed a part of me for the rest of my life.
I must allow myself to cry for I know this is part of the healing process. I try to find forgiveness in my heart for my offender. He doesn't even feel like a real person, but rather a monster. I have a hard time giving him human characteristics because of what he is capable of.
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