Letter to Rapist

Dear Rapist -

You saw me as a stupid drug addict bitch who deserved no respect and as simply disposable.  Did you ever stop to think that maybe there are people who do love me?  Did you ever think about how raping me would effect me for the rest of my entire life and how it would change me?  Why did you take the time to ask me if I had children?  Is that because you wanted them to grow up without a mother if you had killed me after the rape?  I've always thought that was your ultimate plan whenever I think back on the rape.  I've also thought many times that you aren't even human.  You are a dangerous monster with no mercy.  I think back to the way you made me take my socks off after you forced me to take my pants off.  I guess you wanted to gag me with those.  You must have changed your mind and instead you just put both of your large hands around my throat and squeezed until I almost took my last breath, not once - but twice.  You can't imagine how painful it was to not be able to swallow for weeks after the rape. 

Every time I had to swallow, the physical reminder of your rape was there stuck right in my throat and I could envision your hands choking me each time.  It's hard for me to understand the mind of a rapist and I know I will probably never be able to.  I do know that no one deserves what you put me through.  Abusing drugs was a bad choice I made and I put myself in harm's way when I relapsed.  In my gut, I knew I needed to flee from you as soon as possible.  There was something quite creepy about you.  My mistake, I allowed the drugs to keep me at a standstill and tolerate you.   I allowed myself to love drugs more than my life or anyone in my life. There have been times where I have blamed this whole rape on myself, but I now realize that regardless, rape is NEVER JUSTIFIED.  Knowing and convincing are two different things.  The biggest question of all - why did you rape me knowing that you are infected with HIV?  One way or another you were determined to kill me.  The more you hurt me, the more enjoyment you got out of it.  Can you face me, you coward?  Can you live with yourself?  Do you feel like a monster for you trying to devour me?  If I end up acquiring HIV, guess what - I won't let it kill me.  I will not let your disgusting seed of HIV deposited inside me, kill me.  I will pray each and every day as I do now, and I ask God to continue to keep my body free of HIV.  At the same time, I know God's will must be done.  I think about how the wages of sin is death.  I think about a lot of things.  I pray for God to lift this anger I feel inside over the entire rape.  I put myself where I shouldn't have been and I have seen how dirty life can be when I fall off of the path I am supposed to be on.  I pray for the ugly nightmares of the rape to disappear.  You don't even deserve to be in my nightmares.  But I want you to know, I am proud of myself for I am standing stronger that I ever really thought I could in this type of situation.  Some days are harder than others and the triggers are harder to shake but I am becoming more aware of my life and my own feelings.  Even though rape is hate, I do not hate you.  I pity you.  I feel relieved that you, on the other hand, won't be able to do this to another woman again should  you be convicted of attempted murder and rape.  For the time being, I feel safe that you are behind bars.  Time will tell.....